Talking about Parents Death

Parent’s Death is a Special Kind of Loss

When I was 29 old I lost my father (for heart attack), he was just 60 years old.  Just less than 2 years ago (I was 56 years old) I lost my mother for cancer at pancreas in less than three months from the diagnosis. This last fact pushed me to reflect on death and to look inside me to overclass the “empty”.

The death of a mother or father can strike both an adult and a child unexpectedly hard. Parent death brings a unique kind of grieving, whether you’ve been a hands-on caregiver and helper at the end of life or your parent has been living independently and well. The break in the parent-child bond can reverberate for the rest of your life.

Here are six factors that grief experts say can shape grieving over a parent’s death:

1. Our parents are our “wisdom keepers.” “We spend a lifetime looking to our parents for answers,”  They’re the repositories of knowledge about our history, our upbringing, family traditions, the names of all those faces in old photos. With their passing so, too, goes the information and insight that hasn’t already been transmitted or recorded.

2. Unresolved issues often follow the parent-child relationship into adulthood. The balance of the parent-child relationship shifts several times, first as we gain maturity and create our own families, and then as parents grow older and often need our support. These realities bring plenty of opportunities for misunderstanding or discord. And not all these bumps are smoothed out by the end. Differences that go unreconciled can leave a forlorn sense of unfinished business.

3. Parent death always feels sudden — even when it’s not. People often expect that the death of someone older or someone who’s been ill for a long time will feel easier to endure because it’s predictable. Yet the disappearance from your life of a figure you’ve known since birth is, when it finally happens, always a sudden change.

4. Decisions about rituals are up to you. “Suddenly you’re the adult preparing the funeral, the viewing, the obituary, the eulogy — there’s nobody older to tell you how to manage, no one to correct you or say, ‘No, that’s not how you do it!'” says one woman in her 40s who lost both parents within two years. “I felt pushed to a different level of adulthood.”

5. Your children lose grandparents. Many people who lose their parents talk about “grieving for what won’t ever be” — being unable to ask their parents for parenting advice, for example, or having their parents attend their children’s birthday parties, graduations, and weddings. Parents may also need to help their children mourn, or they may feel a need to preserve the grandparents’ legacy for their children.

6. Losing the “buffer generation” forces us to reexamine our own mortality. When a grandparent dies, there’s still a whole generation between you and death. With a parent’s death, your own eventual demise may feel uncomfortably nearer.

After almost two years I have still some difficult to accept and I started to write on this blog about their life or better what they told me about themselves.

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2 thoughts on “Talking about Parents Death

  • 06102016: My mom was born on November 21, 1934 in Savona Italy. Her name was Eleonora. Just after the end of the second war in 1945, a truck of the USA army run over both her and her sister. Her sister died and she survived. She spent almost two years in a hospital bed without any possibility to walk. In 1948 she joined a seamstress school. She was very ambitious and her dream was to become a fashion designer. In the same year she met my dad (10 year older than her). They got married in 1957 and in November 1958 I born. I was their first and last son.

  • 16102016: My dad was born on November 8, 1927 in Ellera, Italy. His name was Edilio. He became orphan of mother in 1932 when he was just five year old. His father was a drunkard, hence someone decided that he has to live in Ellera, meanwhile his sister (10 years old) could live in Orco Feglino (about 75 km from Ellera an effective distance at that time). For all his live he suffered this separation. He was a real smart children, but the only way to study at that time for poor people was to enter in seminary. At 14 years he went to work at ILVA (a steel factory for nazist) in Savona to move carbon. The 1941 was occuring, Every morning he wake-up at 3 o’clock and with an old bycicle he reached its workplace by running the 28 km on dirt roads and back after the 12 hours of hard work. On September 1943 he saved from a nazist round-up by jumping from a running train by passing through a small hole. He merged the resistance and he was used as a message courier since he was really fast and smart. In 1945 he was enlisted in the italian navy as a mineswipper. He was lucky and he survived. For a while he continued to be a sailor man. During his trips, he was affactinated by japanise culture and martial arts, in particular the Judo. Back at home he start to teach “personal defense” at Savona police department, but the salary was low and hence he jointed also the “Emilio Astengo” rail company in order to drive trains. With his first savings he bought his first “Lambretta” (the mitical motorcycle).
    Most of woman were considering him very cool and he was a “desiderable man”. This characteristic was maintained for all his life up to his dead. My mom was just one of the woman which he can choose and chosed. In 1958 when I was born he promised to have only a woman in his life (a sailor promise).

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